This is my life

Dear god i am suffocating. I do everything your self esteem and make you realize that you are the only one for me now that being said we do not need to see each other everyday we can make time to do stuff with other people like our friends our family having our heads up each others asses is not going to make us stronger but going to make it impossible when I go off to school

It makes me think of you and how thing ended. It makes me wish beyond wish I could go back in time. It makes me realize what we shared together and what I have lost and most likely will never have again. I know you will never read this but I must say this for myself but I will always love you and that will never go away. I am stupid for posting this. It just kills me how long it has been and that I still feel this way. I have done so many stupid things trying to find peace in my heart to no avail. Some things we carry with us forever. It kills me that you have found happiness and love and have been able to move on and forget. I know towards the end,  things got bad, but our good times out weigh the bad by 99% and those memories are memories I will cherish forever. My only regret is not being stronger and not fighting harder. I also feel robbed that one of my friends talked you out of being with me when we still had a fighting chance it was just a bad season, it seemed like you were never going to give up on me, as I was making stupid decisions that hurt myself and in the end I lost the greatest friend I have ever had, the only person I ever really loved and the only person who stuck by me no matter what and tried to get me on the right path. I just was so messed up and hurt from it all that I tried to fill the gap anyway i could. I look back and I am sorry for hastily trying to move on. I am sorry for making what we had seem like nothing. I mean it with everything when I say that you and what we had meant everything to me. I am constantly searching for the connection and the feelings  that we once shared that grew into the love we had, that stick with me to this day. But nothing ever comes close. I just hope that God help me find this.  I hope and pray that you are happy and stay happy and that one day I can do the same.